As some of you may know it is one of my career dreams to be an advice columnist for some trashy women’s magazine. I would ease minds and soothe ailing hearts while delivering truths of the male mind. I came to have this dream after too many years of women complaining about all men are pigs and jerks and blah, blah, blah. You know why you think this? It’s because you read sensational articles on men that only cover a small percentage of the gender. That small percentage just happens to be the percentage of men that are the pigs and jerks. When I came across this unreasonable article claiming to inform women all about the 5 Secrets All Guys Keep From You, I could stand idly by no longer. Roger Bennett and Glamour are giving us all a bad name and preying on your need to trash men. They need to be stopped. Before I turn into the Hulk with rage, here are the alleged secrets and my opinion of them.
5. Hooters’ wings stop tasting good when we have a daughter.
- Hooters’ wings stop tasting good when they hit your tongue. Anyone who believes this either has no taste buds or has never had any hot wings other than Hooters'. I’m sorry, but no guy goes to Hooters for the first time or the second or the 152nd to have the wings. He goes because there are scantily clad, buxom women willing to bring him beer and deep fried food when he asks for it. If having a daughter really made the wings stop tasting good, then fathers would not frequent strip clubs, view pornography, ogle cheerleaders/dance teams at sporting events, or have impure thoughts about their college-aged daughter’s barely legal friends. Only the tasteless give a damn about the wings.
4. Sex and the City was a hit with men, too, because we saw it as a wildlife doc on how women behave.
- Sex and the City was not a hit with men and it is not an accurate reflection on how women behave. If all women behave like this, then I want absolutely nothing to do with them. The main characters are nothing but stereotypes. They’re all self-obsessed, gold digging, vapid strumpets. Enjoy the show/movies for the humor or whatever, but any man who thinks this is how women behave is delusional. I cannot name one friend of mine that would watch this show if a wife/girlfriend didn’t insist on watching it. As a side note, it is almost impossible for us to not look at a television if it is on.
3. There’s no correlation between how happy our sex life is and how much we use the Western grip in private.
- You have to be effing kidding me. If our sex life is happy and we get it on the “reg” (to quote Kenny Powers), yet we still need to take care of business often, then something is amiss. Yes, we will still practice this art, because sometimes the urge hits us and you aren’t around/in the mood. Damn those headaches. The only guys this applies to are the creeps that can’t practice self-control long enough, so they rub one out in rest stop bathrooms and during breaks at work. Note – I have no proof of that happening, but it wouldn’t surprise me. Some of us are fairly base creatures.
2. We hear only the first half of what you say. It’s a medical condition.
- Why is it necessary to continue the proliferation of the ideology that men are incapable of listening. Sure, we don’t pay attention when you talk sometimes. This is generally when we are watching TV and you start talking about shoes or what your friend Becky did the other day. If you want us to listen, then make sure we are engaged in you. Try waiting for commercials or when we’re eating breakfast, lunch, or dinner with you. The truth is that we hear absolutely everything you say, we just don’t remember it all, because there is too much information coming at us all at once. I know women that tell stories in the following fashion. They give the setting, the temperature inside and outside, everyone who was there and what they were wearing (Everyone had on red sweaters, no wait, they were blue. The sweaters were blue. Or were they red? Yes, red, definitely red, because I remember liking them and I don’t like blue sweaters, so they had to be red.), who they spoke to on the phone before the event happened, and then about an hour later will finally get to the point. Enough with the red herrings - be succinct. Tell us what’s important and if we need more info, we will ask questions. It’s not nagging that kills us, it’s drowning in useless information. We are functional beings – if we can’t put our heads on the throw pillows, then why are they on the bed? Please get to the point already.
1. Any feelings we harbor for an ex are eclipsed by the love of our first Playboy.
- If this were true, then I would still have my first Playboy and it wouldn’t have degraded in a landfill somewhere, ruining the water table with its smutty, smutty ink. Any real life girl that has allowed us the privilege of seeing them naked automatically takes up more memory capacity than a magazine. This isn’t even true for the exes that cheat on us or break our Playstations and throw our clothes out on the lawn. (I will admit if this happens, it was probably deserved.) Even in this situation though, we still have more feelings for our ex. The feelings might be an intense, gonorrhea style burning hatred, but feelings nonetheless.
Aside from these secrets being almost entirely false, they aren’t even secrets. If you want to know about our first Playboy or our opinion on Hooters, then ask us. Don’t hint or tip-toe around the subject. Be straightforward, tell us what you want to know and we’ll answer. Only the jerks will lie.
