Crushes are Hard to Break

Today, I received about the 10th email from Lifetime asking me to reconsider the cancellation of my membership. As I find this almost as annoying as paying the membership fees without going to the club, I decided to respond. Here it is for your viewing pleasure. I sure hope they don't make a voodoo doll of me with a stray hair I left in the locker room.

Hi Kevin,

While I can appreciate the persistence, I am not Lifetime's unrequited high school crush. I spent roughly two years not going to the club and still paid the $65 a month to belong. I know what Lifetime can offer and it frankly, does not do it for me. I'm simply not attracted to it. No matter how you sell the club to me, I won't resume the relationship. Perhaps, If I'm alone at 40, we can revisit this. However, the circumstances would have to be just right, so please don't settle on this dream. Go after someone else, someone new and exciting who will use your weights and cardio equipment, maybe get a massage here and there. The possibilities are endless. I'm just not the right one for Lifetime. I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but it's what Lifetime needs to hear. It's for the best. Don't worry, your club will find that special someone one day. The kind of person that always wipes down the machines and maybe when bored - just hangs out in the lobby drinking the free coffee and water. Keep on keeping on, dig that garden of life, and so on and so forth.

Sincerely,

John