Suck it, Oprah

As some of you may know, I have a special place in my heart for Oprah. It’s that dark, somewhat rounded corner of my heart where all of the trans-fats and heart disease causing agents gather for their Axis of Evil meetings. My biggest problem with Oprah isn’t necessarily her fault, it’s this image projected on her by her viewers as the best person in the world. I simply think she is just as big of a piece of shit as the rest of us.

My observations tell me that the number one reason people like Oprah so much is that she gives people “free” stuff. Well, when you give people “free” stuff in that sort of setting – they have to pay taxes on it. I’m guessing most of the people in her audience cannot afford the “free” stuff they are given on their own, which most likely means these “free” things significantly raise their income and bump them into a new tax bracket. Great gift Oprah, Pontiac G6s, you really screwed the pooch on that one.

Tax implications aside, it is not like Oprah is taking her personal credit card and purchasing all of her favorite things for her audience members. Her show has a budget, which is paid for by advertising and other things, such as deals with the devil. In this satanically funded budget is a line item for the crap she likes that just about everyone else in America likes too. For all of those people that complain about the rich not paying enough (or any) taxes; Oprah is probably one of those people. Gasp!

The last Oprah complaint I will share with you is in regard to her “Book Club.” First of all, her choices aren’t very good. Million Little Pieces and 3 Faulkner books in 2005, quite the banner year for the OBC. Last year, she (see her staffers) picked A Tale of Two Cities and Great Expectations. Way to go on picking Dickens, I have never heard of the guy. If you are going to use your influence to recommend books to people, why not find some relatively unknown book and help the author out. It appears to me that “she” just selects books off the Bestseller lists. I could do that.

Despite having written four paragraphs on Oprah this post really has nothing to do with her. I want to share some of my current favorite things and rarely ever pass up an opportunity to mention my distaste of all things Oprah. In fear of any further digressions, here are some of my current favorite things. They are in no particular order, except numbered, but the numbers are for no reason other than numbering. Don’t think that I like #1 any more than I like #6. Shit, I better have a #6 now, because I’m not going back to edit.

1. The Reluctant Graveyard – I am a little late on this, but the Current’s birthday party (back in January) fully introduced me to the brilliance that is Jeremy Messersmith. His most recent album, The Reluctant Graveyard is a dimly lit beacon of joy overshadowed by a gigantic lighthouse of morbidity and despair. A must listen for all music fans. If you don’t like it, you’re probably too happy.

2. Lean Cuisine Spring Rolls – They come in three flavors: Fajita-style Chicken, Thai-style Chicken, and Garlic Chicken. All three are good, but I did list them in order of preference. The Garlic ones smell a bit too much of garlic for me, but taste good. Nothing wrong with the Thai ones, but the Fajita styled rolls are great. All of them are 200 calories, but while the Thai and Garlic have 10 grams of Protein, Fajita ones have 15 grams. They make for an absolutely perfect snack, especially with a little Duck sauce for dipping.

3. It's Not a Match – Several months ago I started to write about my gripes with online dating. One of the reasons I stopped is this blog. It’s Not a Match is written by a guy who claims to have gone on over 100 first online dates. He has way better stories than I do and plus I’m lazy, so why do something if there is already someone doing it better and in story form.

4. Bob’s Burgers – This is one of my favorite shows on TV and possibly my favorite cartoon. The writing is spectacular and this particularly scene (that I will horribly describe for you) sealed the deal. Louise (voiced by Kristen Schaal) is sent to the school guidance counselor/psychologist. The GC introduces Louise to a doll named “Repressed Memory Emily.” Louise gets upset and throws RME across the room, the GC says, “Don’t throw Repressed Memory Emily” to which Louise replies with just a touch of disdain, “She won’t remember it.” Acting! At the very least this show makes me wonder how/why The Cleveland Show, American Dad, and to a lesser extent Family Guy are still on air. Check out this little introduction to Louise.

5. Doggie Daycare – This is quite possibly the best innovation in pet care ever. The formula is simple. You take one super energetic, won’t leave you alone type dog. Then you drop him off at Doggie Daycare in the morning. He runs around and plays with other dogs, you get to take a nap, clean the house, get caught up on your stories, or maybe just waste the day playing video games. At the end of the day, you pick up a tired, borderline waste of space dog that no longer cares what you do and if you do it without him. Pure genius.

I have decided not to go to #6, because I will come back with a new list. A list of my current least favorite things and it will start with #6. I will give you a hint – one of the items will be meetings, specifically meetings on how we should recognize one another’s work performance. Total snoozefest, Quaid.